Impediments to Happiness

Smith Rock, OR, USA

“It is easier for a rope to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

-Matthew 19:24

Despite what our minds may tell us, humans are poor predictors as to what will actually bring us happiness. Growing up in a culture that breeds a “glass half-empty” mentality, that teaches our well-being can only change through extrinsic values, and that we must follow the stories of those who told us who we are, it is no wonder we feel disconnected, stressed, anxious, and unhappy. Luckily, we can improve our happiness by changing our relationship with our external and internal (perceived) environments. It is true that some people are born with a strong tendency to be happy. After all, 50 percent of the variance in happiness across people is genetic. While we can’t change our genetics, we can work with the other 50%! Where should we put our efforts? Well, only 10 percent of happiness variance is explained by life circumstances (how much effort and time do you put into changing your circumstances?). Amazingly, 40 percent of the variance in happiness arises from our internal narrative — our mindset. 40 percent!! We can work with that. We can change our internal narrative and have a large effect on our long-term happiness. To be sure, it’s not easy. We have spent our entire lives enveloped in a culture that isn’t designed to facilitate our happiness. Indeed, happy people do not work day-in and day-out to make money and buy things they do not need, only to keep the economy running and stock prices rising! We need to take a different perspective on life, a more wholesome, fulfilling, and skillful mindset in which we live with purpose. We must apply significant focus and energy to the effort - as if our lives depend upon it, because, quite frankly, they do!

In reference to The Way to Love, written by Indian Jesuit priest and psychotherapist, Anthony de Mello, our impediments to happiness can be simplified into four categories: our beliefs, habits, attachments, and fears. These categories are the filters through which we view the world. They cloud our ability to be aware and live in the moment, to see and experience reality accurately. Some say our minds are like a jar of muddy water — we fail to see clearly because of all of the dirt that is stirred up within our emotional and intellectual selves. If we simply let our minds rest, let go of our filters and see them as false realities, the debris can settle, allowing the crystal clear nature of our minds and true reality to emerge. From our individual perspectives, we often miss the most beautiful parts of life because we are so blinded by the filters of biases that inhibit our ability to be grateful and hold larger, truer stories of ourselves and the world. Get to know your impediments to happiness and you can drop them, one by one. What is it that keeps you from being happier? The answers may surprise you, and they are also within you. See below for the definitions of what our filters represent:

Beliefs - Our beliefs go beyond religious teachings and extend into any story of how we were taught to see the world and ourselves. They are “agreements” we consciously or subconsciously accept as truth in how reality should be, in how we should be. Imagine how society has led us to believe that we must consume more to be happy, or that we must reach made-up beauty standards in order to be accepted. Or imagine a time your feelings were neglected by your parents as a child, and now you believe you must people please in order to feel loved. But like happiness, our filters are also choices. Beliefs can change once we recognize their storyline as inaccurate from reality, whether that storyline is fiction told by social/cultural standards or fiction created by past negative experiences. Only we have the power to choose our beliefs, and we can choose not to follow false beliefs given to us by the external world.

Habits - Habits are what make us human, but they can be forms of both behavior and thinking that limit our happiness without our awareness of this occurring. We must be conscious of how each habit supports or hinders our happiness — how many hours each day am I on my phone instead of with people? How often are my thoughts in the past or future? Equally, we must be conscious of what other filters may lurk behind our habits — why do I procrastinate on every assignment? Am I fearful my work isn’t good enough? Do I believe that I’m not good enough? Do I enhance the negative and downplay the positive? Anthony de Mello says, “…habits must be limited to things mechanical — not to love or to sight.” This refers to how the continuity of our habitual thoughts/actions dilutes the rare essence that underlies all life and experiences. Habits make us assume we know everything, and that the things we already have in our lives are no longer special or new. Parents are a good example — we often overlook the unique benefits our parents sacrifice for our lives. When was the last time we were grateful for their sacrifice to put a roof over our heads and food on our plates? Or have you ever looked into the eyes of your mother and seen her not only as your parent but all the beautiful memories and struggles in her past life that brought her here today?

Attachments - In Tibetan Buddhism, there’s a saying “dö chag” or “sticky desire,” meaning the desire to depend on or “stick” to people, conditions, or material for happiness — these are our attachments. False societal belief systems and negative life experiences can make us believe we are born not whole, enough, or loved. This leads us to look for “the one” who completes us, or to center our identity and worth around the money/material we acquire, even going to the extent of hurting others for our attachments. One wise spiritual teacher says clinging to our attachments is our mistake of looking for love, but showing up at the wrong address. The truth is that nothing outside of you can fulfill your need for love and wholeness — only you can do that, from an internal realization that you are already born whole, complete, and loved as you are.

Fears - Another great spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson, says, “Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here.” Like the rest of our filters, fears are taught to us through fictional narratives of reality and past negative experiences that told us we are not enough — the truth is no one is ever born inadequate or weak. Fears go beyond mere phobias and extend into our daily thoughts, feelings, and actions. They are the hidden force that drives us towards anger, depression, addiction, greed, insecurity, jealousy, pride, and even people-pleasing, perfectionism, and laziness. Often when we act in hatred or negative feelings towards others, it is our internal fears of lack we are projecting onto the screen of other people. Our fears are perhaps the hidden reason behind each of our filters, whether we have a belief not all people are born equal, whether we have a habit/addiction to substance use or a dependency on our romantic partner. Every day, in every decision, we have the choice whether to live in fear or love — will we choose to live out our inherent truth that we are enough, or will we choose to listen to false narratives that are not accurate with reality? The famous Sufi poet, Hafiz, says, “Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.” As would we.